My birthday is approaching again, and not only do I feel older, I feel more tired than ever. It's funny that I seem to have such a large burden on my life, but I do not want to stop trying. There have been quite a few people in my life that I have had a nice time with, but I don't know whether or not I will ever speak to them again. Yeah, kinda sucks, but so does life.

Reflecting upon those whom I've left in my past, I sometimes wonder who will be in my future. I have to deal with things one step at a time, and reluctantly, I have to return to some people from my past who have hurt me. Sucks, yeah.


Right now, I highly doubt that people read this journal, let alone my profile. I could have died by now, and approximately two people may have figured it out. The rest of ya'll? Well, It's been great being your friend, but I doubt things are going to be positive in my life for awhile. I won't bother explaining, but I don't want to hear the remedial bullshit about how "everything will be alright" - because it won't.

I'm in a pretty shitty situation because of my car being wrecked amongst other things, but I also want to just be free from my own limitations - my own fears and my lonliness. Plagued at times, I find that most people are evil. The ones though that are a little less evil, those are the ones you can pretend to trust. The funny thing about that though is that trust is only skin deep. People change, and not necessarily for the better.

This world is a cruel place to the soul of mine that I'm stuck with.

It's been awhile since I've been on here. Number of people have tried to get a hold of me, a number have not.

Things are going slightly downhill for me, but I think I needed to coast for a bit, get a bit of fresh air, breeze, and better gas mileage.

How has everyone been? I'm going to start over on my book because of the Coffee that was spilled on it. I suppose I could spend hours recovering what I already wrote, or reorganize the same thoughts into something new. Kinda up to me, kinda up to you.

One way or another I'm going to get back into poetry, and I've just started getting back into photography. I've tried to fine tune things, and with the purchasing of my new computer, things are looking a lot, lot better. Now that I actually have storage for my music, current works of art, and other various forms of literature, who knows, maybe I'll expand upon the mediums I use to express myself. Maybe I'll find a new way of showing you, the World, who I really am. My next piece will be about trust, just to let you know.

So, a particular stigma on death.

I allude to many feelings, and in the most descript ways possible, I do what I can to develop a world where not only my words are in control, but also where my feelings don't take from the meaning of my soul.

Oh, my grandmother died. May she rest in peace. She was my only family member that was wise enough to see that I was being royally fucked on a daily basis by the rest of my family. Essentially, she was the only real family I had.

I now sit in a pot-ridden house with nothing left to do. No sleep, no rest, no dreams. 5 hours until I return to work. No salvation in this reality.

I bring forth elements of deception as I try to protect this quasi-fragile centerpiece that lies on my table-of-a-spirit. I believe in a perspective of living other than the way we know it.

Sometimes death is very revealing. It essentially becomes the keyhole between life and death, and no matter how pathetic it sounds, it's surreal.

It's sad that I haven't started going back to college yet. I've just really started paying off my student loans again, and I seem to have a grasp on what I need to do to succeed, at least temporarily. I've been in the trading business now for a couple of months, but my resources seem to be failing me and it's dangerous anyways. I have my call center job, but that remains dismal at best. I barely have a computer, let alone learning material. I need to find a profession. A programming language. Something for me to get so bored with I learn it inside and out, and I need to stick with it. I've been learning myself in and out for the last 18 or so cognitive years, and I've been watching and learning about other people for the majority of two decades.

You know that the easiest thing to do in life is to tell other people what they want to hear. I can be a jolly good ol' merry man and tell people I hope they have a nice day, I can write shitty emo love poetry, and I can get down on one knee and propose in some Romeo and Juliet type scene to the 'woman of my dreams'.

Or I can just not give a fuck anymore and live with what I have, losing nothing, and gaining everything. An emotional pack rat so to speak;

If I didn't already say it, my Grandmother died. She died 8 days after her birthday, and she never got my birthday present. That sucks.

I really hope I can...find truth or something. Find peace, find...
Me?